blog or therapist......

It is one or the other at this point. Blog is much cheaper. Why do I need to do this, well many reasons really. (1) My wonderful and dear sweet internet friends should be tired of me by now; (2) I'm teetering (or maybe I'm there?) on a major depression; and (3) my IRL people don't think I should be upset about this situation. Those that just stumble across this blog - does that really happen? - may wonder why I'm not a happy girl. My husband and I have been trying to give our daughter a sibling for nearly 16 months. After 10 months of trying, my wonderful new doctor did a HSG test (which is unpleasant and painful, I'll spare you) which seemed to clear up our issue because we got pregnant in November! Unfortunately, that only lasted a week and half and we lost the baby.


So I have to let it out here. I have to say all the things that I find myself randomly thinking about during the day or I'm going to go crazy or at least appear crazy to whoever catches me bawling in my car.

Thanksgiving, 2008 - the happiest day I can recall. Really. I was sooooo happy to have Lucy of course, but it was such an ordeal and I was drugged up that I can't recall just being overjoyed too much. Overwhelmed yes, overjoyed, no. But on this past Thanksgiving morning, I was literally beside myself with joy. I had a hunch that I might be pregnant, I was over emotional, which isn't like me. I was hopefull that the HSG had worked. So I tested, a few days before I should have. Staring back at me was the most beautiful, faintest little pee line I've ever seen. I think with Lucy, things were so easy and I was so naive that I didn't fully appreciate that moment, and all that followed. But this one was so hard fought and so very wanted that I was just over the moon. I don't think I quit smiling for that whole 1.5 weeks. We shared our news right away, we can't hold a secret for anything.

Then on December 8th I woke up to bleeding - a lot of it. I knew immediately what was going on and I just fell apart. I called Frank and he came home right away. My doctor called me back at home and instructed me to come into the office right when they opened. All day, I couldn't speak, when I tried to or had to, I just burst into tears. Frank was wonderful, my mom too, and the doctor. After that horrible day I was pretty much fine. I was upset about it, but I accepted it and took the fact that we had gotten pregnant as a positive sign. The worst part of it all was that we had told Lucy that she would be getting a baby brother or sister. She of course insists that she is having a baby sister. Thank goodness she has no real concept of time at 3 years old. But having those weekly/daily conversations about her baby sister and when she is coming etc.

I'm so angry that the baby was taken from our family. My heart breaks that I can't seem to give Lucy the one thing she wants so badly. She is so ready to be a big sister. She is so caring and sweet and such a good helper. She deserves a lifelong friend. I long to hold a baby, to be pregnant, to bring another life into this world, to experience nursing again, to watch my kids grow and learn together, even to experience a vaginal delivery.

The thing that gets me the most is that I'll never be that happy again. Maybe I'm wrong (I hope!) but I can't see myself with that same joy, that same relief I felt that blissful 1.5 weeks of pregnancy. Our next pregnancy will be filled with worry, with a waiting for the other shoe to drop mentality. I'll hold my breath each time I have to go to the bathroom in fear of seeing what every pregnant fears most in those first few precious weeks. Every twinge will be overanalyzed.

So if any of my dear dear friends happen upon this, you don't need to comment, I don't mind if you do, but I did this to release this stuff. I'm not sure it will work, but I had to try.