Limbo

Being in limbo is the only way to describe me now. I'm struggling to keep a normal life going and be involved in my life as it currently is without slipping into insanity over adding to our family. When planning your first child, all you have to do is decide you are ready. Then you can spend your days dreaming of pregnancy, nursery themes and baby names. You have all sorts of time to actually work on your project and you and your husband enjoy it all.

Then that wonderful blessing is bestowed (really quickly for us!) and you spend your pregnancy dreaming and wondering about your new addition. You are satisfied, complete, content. Life continues, maybe not exactly as planned - why isn't she sleeping? - but alas it does continue. Then after a year or maybe 2.5 :) you decide that it is indeed the right time to bless the family again. The problem now is that time isn't unlimited. You have many more demands on your time on this go round. Your toddler won't go to bed early. You had to work late. Your husband has surgery. You get the flu. But through it all, you manage to find time for each other. And one particular month after some expected disappointments, you really connect. You feel that newlywed love and you find each other exciting like you haven't in a long time. Surely that love produced a baby. But then you start watching the calendar. Should I test? Probably not, but you know it could be positive this early. So after purchasing five tests and taking two so far, I'm throwing in the towel.

If this isn't it this month, I have such mixed emotions. The December due date I could have if I am pregnant right now is just perfect. If this isn't it, it would be a really bad time for me, work wise, to be pregnant. Then again, why do I even consider that place when making such an important life change? Most likely because I need my job.

Since we decided back in January to add to the family, each day has passed with a little agony. I'm a big fan of instant gratification. Waiting to ovulate, waiting to test, waiting to ovulate again, it is damn near painful. I've purchased some clothing with the thought in the back of my head "Oh this would really work well if I were pg this summer." I'm truly losing it here. I feel myself getting depressed. I could cry. But then I look around at all I have and really have to wonder if adding to it is necessary. Well of course it is. I always knew I'd have at least two kids. Lucy would be the world's best big sister.

I had such a great feeling. Frank has the feeling that this is it. Our BFFs just found out they are expecting after suffering a miscarriage in January. I am beyond thrilled for them. I'm also a tiny bit jealous. They are so deserving, I have no right being jealous at all. So although I've resolved many many times not to test until Tuesday, I'm sure I will again tomorrow and Monday. Nope. I must wait until Tuesday. Or Wednesday. Oh who am I kidding. Ugh.