bought a newborn wrap........it was a good price
bought a newborn Halloween costume.........hope to not deed in October 2010!
bought maternity clothes - just 3 or 4 things, but still.....
researched pumping at work.........jumping the gun on that one
assumed each and every month that "this is it!"
What can I say, '08 was the year of HOPE.....what will '09 be?
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
blog or therapist......
It is one or the other at this point. Blog is much cheaper. Why do I need to do this, well many reasons really. (1) My wonderful and dear sweet internet friends should be tired of me by now; (2) I'm teetering (or maybe I'm there?) on a major depression; and (3) my IRL people don't think I should be upset about this situation. Those that just stumble across this blog - does that really happen? - may wonder why I'm not a happy girl. My husband and I have been trying to give our daughter a sibling for nearly 16 months. After 10 months of trying, my wonderful new doctor did a HSG test (which is unpleasant and painful, I'll spare you) which seemed to clear up our issue because we got pregnant in November! Unfortunately, that only lasted a week and half and we lost the baby.
So I have to let it out here. I have to say all the things that I find myself randomly thinking about during the day or I'm going to go crazy or at least appear crazy to whoever catches me bawling in my car.
Thanksgiving, 2008 - the happiest day I can recall. Really. I was sooooo happy to have Lucy of course, but it was such an ordeal and I was drugged up that I can't recall just being overjoyed too much. Overwhelmed yes, overjoyed, no. But on this past Thanksgiving morning, I was literally beside myself with joy. I had a hunch that I might be pregnant, I was over emotional, which isn't like me. I was hopefull that the HSG had worked. So I tested, a few days before I should have. Staring back at me was the most beautiful, faintest little pee line I've ever seen. I think with Lucy, things were so easy and I was so naive that I didn't fully appreciate that moment, and all that followed. But this one was so hard fought and so very wanted that I was just over the moon. I don't think I quit smiling for that whole 1.5 weeks. We shared our news right away, we can't hold a secret for anything.
Then on December 8th I woke up to bleeding - a lot of it. I knew immediately what was going on and I just fell apart. I called Frank and he came home right away. My doctor called me back at home and instructed me to come into the office right when they opened. All day, I couldn't speak, when I tried to or had to, I just burst into tears. Frank was wonderful, my mom too, and the doctor. After that horrible day I was pretty much fine. I was upset about it, but I accepted it and took the fact that we had gotten pregnant as a positive sign. The worst part of it all was that we had told Lucy that she would be getting a baby brother or sister. She of course insists that she is having a baby sister. Thank goodness she has no real concept of time at 3 years old. But having those weekly/daily conversations about her baby sister and when she is coming etc.
I'm so angry that the baby was taken from our family. My heart breaks that I can't seem to give Lucy the one thing she wants so badly. She is so ready to be a big sister. She is so caring and sweet and such a good helper. She deserves a lifelong friend. I long to hold a baby, to be pregnant, to bring another life into this world, to experience nursing again, to watch my kids grow and learn together, even to experience a vaginal delivery.
The thing that gets me the most is that I'll never be that happy again. Maybe I'm wrong (I hope!) but I can't see myself with that same joy, that same relief I felt that blissful 1.5 weeks of pregnancy. Our next pregnancy will be filled with worry, with a waiting for the other shoe to drop mentality. I'll hold my breath each time I have to go to the bathroom in fear of seeing what every pregnant fears most in those first few precious weeks. Every twinge will be overanalyzed.
So if any of my dear dear friends happen upon this, you don't need to comment, I don't mind if you do, but I did this to release this stuff. I'm not sure it will work, but I had to try.
So I have to let it out here. I have to say all the things that I find myself randomly thinking about during the day or I'm going to go crazy or at least appear crazy to whoever catches me bawling in my car.
Thanksgiving, 2008 - the happiest day I can recall. Really. I was sooooo happy to have Lucy of course, but it was such an ordeal and I was drugged up that I can't recall just being overjoyed too much. Overwhelmed yes, overjoyed, no. But on this past Thanksgiving morning, I was literally beside myself with joy. I had a hunch that I might be pregnant, I was over emotional, which isn't like me. I was hopefull that the HSG had worked. So I tested, a few days before I should have. Staring back at me was the most beautiful, faintest little pee line I've ever seen. I think with Lucy, things were so easy and I was so naive that I didn't fully appreciate that moment, and all that followed. But this one was so hard fought and so very wanted that I was just over the moon. I don't think I quit smiling for that whole 1.5 weeks. We shared our news right away, we can't hold a secret for anything.
Then on December 8th I woke up to bleeding - a lot of it. I knew immediately what was going on and I just fell apart. I called Frank and he came home right away. My doctor called me back at home and instructed me to come into the office right when they opened. All day, I couldn't speak, when I tried to or had to, I just burst into tears. Frank was wonderful, my mom too, and the doctor. After that horrible day I was pretty much fine. I was upset about it, but I accepted it and took the fact that we had gotten pregnant as a positive sign. The worst part of it all was that we had told Lucy that she would be getting a baby brother or sister. She of course insists that she is having a baby sister. Thank goodness she has no real concept of time at 3 years old. But having those weekly/daily conversations about her baby sister and when she is coming etc.
I'm so angry that the baby was taken from our family. My heart breaks that I can't seem to give Lucy the one thing she wants so badly. She is so ready to be a big sister. She is so caring and sweet and such a good helper. She deserves a lifelong friend. I long to hold a baby, to be pregnant, to bring another life into this world, to experience nursing again, to watch my kids grow and learn together, even to experience a vaginal delivery.
The thing that gets me the most is that I'll never be that happy again. Maybe I'm wrong (I hope!) but I can't see myself with that same joy, that same relief I felt that blissful 1.5 weeks of pregnancy. Our next pregnancy will be filled with worry, with a waiting for the other shoe to drop mentality. I'll hold my breath each time I have to go to the bathroom in fear of seeing what every pregnant fears most in those first few precious weeks. Every twinge will be overanalyzed.
So if any of my dear dear friends happen upon this, you don't need to comment, I don't mind if you do, but I did this to release this stuff. I'm not sure it will work, but I had to try.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Limbo
Being in limbo is the only way to describe me now. I'm struggling to keep a normal life going and be involved in my life as it currently is without slipping into insanity over adding to our family. When planning your first child, all you have to do is decide you are ready. Then you can spend your days dreaming of pregnancy, nursery themes and baby names. You have all sorts of time to actually work on your project and you and your husband enjoy it all.
Then that wonderful blessing is bestowed (really quickly for us!) and you spend your pregnancy dreaming and wondering about your new addition. You are satisfied, complete, content. Life continues, maybe not exactly as planned - why isn't she sleeping? - but alas it does continue. Then after a year or maybe 2.5 :) you decide that it is indeed the right time to bless the family again. The problem now is that time isn't unlimited. You have many more demands on your time on this go round. Your toddler won't go to bed early. You had to work late. Your husband has surgery. You get the flu. But through it all, you manage to find time for each other. And one particular month after some expected disappointments, you really connect. You feel that newlywed love and you find each other exciting like you haven't in a long time. Surely that love produced a baby. But then you start watching the calendar. Should I test? Probably not, but you know it could be positive this early. So after purchasing five tests and taking two so far, I'm throwing in the towel.
If this isn't it this month, I have such mixed emotions. The December due date I could have if I am pregnant right now is just perfect. If this isn't it, it would be a really bad time for me, work wise, to be pregnant. Then again, why do I even consider that place when making such an important life change? Most likely because I need my job.
Since we decided back in January to add to the family, each day has passed with a little agony. I'm a big fan of instant gratification. Waiting to ovulate, waiting to test, waiting to ovulate again, it is damn near painful. I've purchased some clothing with the thought in the back of my head "Oh this would really work well if I were pg this summer." I'm truly losing it here. I feel myself getting depressed. I could cry. But then I look around at all I have and really have to wonder if adding to it is necessary. Well of course it is. I always knew I'd have at least two kids. Lucy would be the world's best big sister.
I had such a great feeling. Frank has the feeling that this is it. Our BFFs just found out they are expecting after suffering a miscarriage in January. I am beyond thrilled for them. I'm also a tiny bit jealous. They are so deserving, I have no right being jealous at all. So although I've resolved many many times not to test until Tuesday, I'm sure I will again tomorrow and Monday. Nope. I must wait until Tuesday. Or Wednesday. Oh who am I kidding. Ugh.
Then that wonderful blessing is bestowed (really quickly for us!) and you spend your pregnancy dreaming and wondering about your new addition. You are satisfied, complete, content. Life continues, maybe not exactly as planned - why isn't she sleeping? - but alas it does continue. Then after a year or maybe 2.5 :) you decide that it is indeed the right time to bless the family again. The problem now is that time isn't unlimited. You have many more demands on your time on this go round. Your toddler won't go to bed early. You had to work late. Your husband has surgery. You get the flu. But through it all, you manage to find time for each other. And one particular month after some expected disappointments, you really connect. You feel that newlywed love and you find each other exciting like you haven't in a long time. Surely that love produced a baby. But then you start watching the calendar. Should I test? Probably not, but you know it could be positive this early. So after purchasing five tests and taking two so far, I'm throwing in the towel.
If this isn't it this month, I have such mixed emotions. The December due date I could have if I am pregnant right now is just perfect. If this isn't it, it would be a really bad time for me, work wise, to be pregnant. Then again, why do I even consider that place when making such an important life change? Most likely because I need my job.
Since we decided back in January to add to the family, each day has passed with a little agony. I'm a big fan of instant gratification. Waiting to ovulate, waiting to test, waiting to ovulate again, it is damn near painful. I've purchased some clothing with the thought in the back of my head "Oh this would really work well if I were pg this summer." I'm truly losing it here. I feel myself getting depressed. I could cry. But then I look around at all I have and really have to wonder if adding to it is necessary. Well of course it is. I always knew I'd have at least two kids. Lucy would be the world's best big sister.
I had such a great feeling. Frank has the feeling that this is it. Our BFFs just found out they are expecting after suffering a miscarriage in January. I am beyond thrilled for them. I'm also a tiny bit jealous. They are so deserving, I have no right being jealous at all. So although I've resolved many many times not to test until Tuesday, I'm sure I will again tomorrow and Monday. Nope. I must wait until Tuesday. Or Wednesday. Oh who am I kidding. Ugh.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Health Smealth
Do you know how many foods have partially hydrogenated oils? Most of them! Ack! Frank just found out that his triglycerides are too high and his doc wanted to put him on meds. He wasn’t really into that, so he has completely abandoned the following:
soda, candy, fried foods, saturated fat, foods and drinks high in sugar, foods with partially hydrogenated oils, foods with enriched white flour and red meats
So we don’t eat anything but baked chicken, pork and fish along with fresh fruits and vegetables. Steamed vegetables - no butter or salt. Since I am the worlds pickiest eater and only like carrots, corn and green beans (salted and buttered of course), I’m having a really hard time with this. I guess just by cooking for him, I’ll be healthier.
He is also running. He is running every night or morning, whichever he can. I’m not. Why? I hate to run. I hate to exercise in general. I’m using Lucy as a crutch - I work all day, so I can’t leave her to workout. How long can I get away with that? Mostly, I just hate working out.
So why the post? Well it is a confession of sorts. I’m still getting a 42 oz sweet tea from McDonalds most everyday. I’m still drinking soda. I’m still eating red meat. Why? I don’t know really. I like that stuff? Well, yes. But mostly I’m just weak. I can start the day with fantastic intentions, but I still drive to McDonalds for that sugar with a little tea. Sometimes I even get breakfast there. I’m terrible. I’m going to gain the weight back I lost earlier this year. I want to lose another twenty pounds or so, but I just can’t find that oomph in me that I had before.
So I’m making a commitment to myself and whoever chooses to read this (thanks!). I’m going to be healthy. I’m going to drink all sorts of water and very little or no soda or sweet tea. I’m going to try and expand my vegetable horizons - any suggestions? I’m doing it for me. I’m doing it for my family. Tomorrow. Or maybe next week.
soda, candy, fried foods, saturated fat, foods and drinks high in sugar, foods with partially hydrogenated oils, foods with enriched white flour and red meats
So we don’t eat anything but baked chicken, pork and fish along with fresh fruits and vegetables. Steamed vegetables - no butter or salt. Since I am the worlds pickiest eater and only like carrots, corn and green beans (salted and buttered of course), I’m having a really hard time with this. I guess just by cooking for him, I’ll be healthier.
He is also running. He is running every night or morning, whichever he can. I’m not. Why? I hate to run. I hate to exercise in general. I’m using Lucy as a crutch - I work all day, so I can’t leave her to workout. How long can I get away with that? Mostly, I just hate working out.
So why the post? Well it is a confession of sorts. I’m still getting a 42 oz sweet tea from McDonalds most everyday. I’m still drinking soda. I’m still eating red meat. Why? I don’t know really. I like that stuff? Well, yes. But mostly I’m just weak. I can start the day with fantastic intentions, but I still drive to McDonalds for that sugar with a little tea. Sometimes I even get breakfast there. I’m terrible. I’m going to gain the weight back I lost earlier this year. I want to lose another twenty pounds or so, but I just can’t find that oomph in me that I had before.
So I’m making a commitment to myself and whoever chooses to read this (thanks!). I’m going to be healthy. I’m going to drink all sorts of water and very little or no soda or sweet tea. I’m going to try and expand my vegetable horizons - any suggestions? I’m doing it for me. I’m doing it for my family. Tomorrow. Or maybe next week.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Ups and Downs of turning two...
Well Lucy's birthday party was spectacular. She had a fabulous time and got lots of great gifts from her grandparents and aunts and uncles. I made the much stressed over Cookie Monster cake.
The party really couldn't have gone better. Good food, good company, happy Birthday girl. We even watched a DVD full of short videos I've taken of her. It was great. The next day was a shower for Rachel, my brother's fiance. It went very well and Lucy enjoyed herself thoroughly (are you sensing a theme?).
Then Monday was the big day. The big 2. We were so excited to go to Grant's Farm. Our day started at about 6:45 a.m. like this:
We got her all ready to go and presentable and headed off to Grant's Farm, a very happy little family of 3. We were talking about how we would see lots of animals, and feed the baby goats, and see horses. She was super stoked. Frank and I would take turns looking back at her and saying "Happy Birthday". Each time produced a face just like this:
When we pulled onto Gravois Road, I was so excited. I know it was for her, but I swear I was much more excited! Then we pulled onto the side road to enter the farm. Lucy was chanting "farm" in the backseat and we were so excited. Then we got to the parking lot. EMPTY. Oh no. My pulse quickened - I swear. Closed!!!!!! Apparently, every good St. Louisan knows that Grant's Farm is closed each and every Monday. Yikes. Now I have to tell this estatic two year old in the backseat that the farm is closed. I feel a lump forming. So I turn around in my seat and gently break the news. "I'm sorry baby, the farm is closed today, we can't go in." It only took about 30 seconds to go from that happy go lucky little girl above to this one:
I really thought I was going to cry right along with her. The above face and several similar variations continued for about 20 minutes. We talked about what to do now. We had promised animals and wanted to follow through. So, we decided that it would be good enough (not really, but we were in a pinch) to go to Petsmart and looking at fish and ferrets and hamsters. The plan worked pretty well. We even got one good picture of her looking at "Dorothy" before a manager informed us they don't allow photography in the store. Huh?
We still felt awful about the farm experience gone wrong so quick trip through Toys r Us was in order. I think she was finally happy!
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Two
Monday is the day. My baby will be two. I'm lucky enough to be able to be with her on her birthday and so will Frank. We are planning a day at Grant's Farm. She'll see some neat animals and feed the baby goats. It should be great.
So in honor of her turning two, I'm going nuts. We had pics done on Sunday. I posted my fave pic here. Pictures didn't go very well. It was pure chaos in there and Lucy and her cousin Gavin weren't having a good time, but we got what we went for and I was happy in the end.
I'm taking a little vacation from work. I'll have Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday with my girl. I'm really happy about this. Of course, it won't be relaxing though. I'm watching Gavin at my house on Thursday and he is a boy, he is all boy. Hopefully he won't pull any tricks on his favorite person ;) We have dinner plans Thursday night, lunch plans Friday, birthday party on Saturday and a bridal shower on Sunday. Busy is my middle name these days.
I'm very excited about her birthday party. I'm ordering salad, pasta, garlic bread and pizza for dinner and I'm making a Cookie Monster cake and chocolate chip cookies. We are also going to watch a DVD of videos I've taken of her with my digital camera (thanks Pop!). It should be a good time and of course bittersweet. The theme is Sesame Street of course. I'll be sure to take many many pictures.
Having an almost two year old is exhilirating and exhausting. She is talking up a storm these days and just all around cute. In addition to her Sesame Street obsession, she has discovered Shrek. Just the original so far. She loves it. She loves dong (donkey), Shre (Shrek), Pree (Princess) and Dra (dragon). She has many scenes that have to be rewatched so we can dance and dance and dance. She is always wanting me or Gammie to read to her in her big girl bed. I have memorized "Love you Forever" and it is her current must read. I must admit I find it a bit creepy, but hey, she loves it.
So as I look back on the last two years I've learned:
- You can't make a baby sleep.
- You can't make a toddler eat.
- "Just a minute" is not in her vocabulary.
- She is my world.
- I would give my life for her.
- I'm the center of someone's universe.
I know I'm not the first person to be a parent, but I'm the first person to have Lucy and I must say it is pretty heady to know that she is mine.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
In her own time...
From day one, nearly two years ago, Lucy made it clear that you couldn't force anything on her. Sleeping through the night, ha! Sleeping in her crib, double ha! So a long time ago, I surrendered to her. She knows her own mind. She always has. Of course there are non-negotiables, like eating, sitting in a carseat etc. But, for the mostpart, she gets to make her decisions. Daddy has a harder time with letting her pave her own way, but he is coming around. Slowly.
So last weekend, we joined Aunt Jenny, Uncle Aaron and Cousin Gavin at their community pool for a nice afternoon. I knew going in that Lucy might not be into the whole pool scene. She is becoming fearful in her old age. She has become a shy toddler in place of the super outgoing infant we all knew. So she is looking absolutely adorable in her little tankini and is all suncreened up, ready to go. Then she sees the pool. Nope. Not.getting.in. Daddy thinks he can carry her in the pool and "she'll be fine". Nope, wrong again. So we take the ignore her approach. After about 25 minutes of looking at the pool (which is a baby pool, ranging from 1 inch of water to 2 feet) she decides it is o.k. Here she comes! Running in! Look of pure joy on her face. She joins us in the pool and happily plays in water up to her waist.
I suppose she showed us, again. Is it important that it took her 25 minutes to brave the water? Does it matter that she fell in and it took another 15 minutes for her to try again? Does it matter that she slipped and went under, causing tears and sneezes? Does it matter that she wouldn't allow me to hold her in the deeper water? No, it doesn't. All that truly matters is that she did it, all by herself, when she was ready. I pray that she holds on tight to those values. That she always has the self awareness and willpower to stick to her guns. To do what is right for her, to not give in, even to mommy and daddy.
So last weekend, we joined Aunt Jenny, Uncle Aaron and Cousin Gavin at their community pool for a nice afternoon. I knew going in that Lucy might not be into the whole pool scene. She is becoming fearful in her old age. She has become a shy toddler in place of the super outgoing infant we all knew. So she is looking absolutely adorable in her little tankini and is all suncreened up, ready to go. Then she sees the pool. Nope. Not.getting.in. Daddy thinks he can carry her in the pool and "she'll be fine". Nope, wrong again. So we take the ignore her approach. After about 25 minutes of looking at the pool (which is a baby pool, ranging from 1 inch of water to 2 feet) she decides it is o.k. Here she comes! Running in! Look of pure joy on her face. She joins us in the pool and happily plays in water up to her waist.
I suppose she showed us, again. Is it important that it took her 25 minutes to brave the water? Does it matter that she fell in and it took another 15 minutes for her to try again? Does it matter that she slipped and went under, causing tears and sneezes? Does it matter that she wouldn't allow me to hold her in the deeper water? No, it doesn't. All that truly matters is that she did it, all by herself, when she was ready. I pray that she holds on tight to those values. That she always has the self awareness and willpower to stick to her guns. To do what is right for her, to not give in, even to mommy and daddy.
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